Pak Jokes

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine, when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall.”

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, “That’s Strange.”

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

A lawyer approached to an elderly grandmother and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer”. Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week”.

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer”.

“Excuse me sir, “the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”

The old adage that “It takes a thief to catch a thief” may indeed be true.
But these days there’s a 3rd thief involved pleading the case — the lawyer.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ?You’re beautiful!? and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said ?You’re cute!? Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ?beautiful? it was ?cute.? She said ?What happened to ?beautiful?? His reply was ?The drugs are wearing off!?

Catfish and Lawyers

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.